I can’t get this little moment out of my mind and I keep getting filled with preemptive regret that I might forget it before I illustrate it in any way.
Probably about two months ago... Dotty and I were sitting in the shower as we do daily. It’s part of our routine to get ready for bed.
She just loves it.
Her face lights up when we enter the bathroom, her legs wiggle and kick as the water turns on. Her hands grasp everything, her eyes widen and fill with wonder and sugary anticipation. This particular time she was standing assisted and facing the shower curtain and watching all of the water droplets dribble down like thousands of glistening crystals and she looked back at me and smiled.
It wasn’t a smile like she’d already been smiling and happened to turn her head.
It was the very first smile where she knew.... and then I knew that behind her eyes she was showing that she wanted to share this moment with me. That I was there. She looked back at me. And smiled because what she was doing was making her happy and she wanted to make sure I was there with her in that happiness. It was a very cognizant moment between she and I.
I can still see it so vividly.
The water droplets on her little nose, the pink in her cheeks from the warm, the way her eyebrows darken when wet, the way her hair parts like tiny rivers to let the shower streams pass through. Her chubby fingers pressed against the water crystals on the lining. The light reflecting off of all of the above. Her big brown eyes turning ever so slightly over her left shoulder with a giant grin because I’m her Mom.
​
And she is happy we are there.

​

I don't even know where to begin.
The frustration with the treatment of women and their pain?
My trip to urgent care for a degenerative compressed vertebrae?
The child support enforcement case I've had to create?
The attempts at sleep training?
Going from exclusively breast feeding (EBF) to formula feeding (FF)?
Mental health?
Adulting?
The leftovers that compose Mallory?

Let's start with some good.
Dotty is six months old today and currently sleeping soundly on her belly in the other room. She's a proud little miss. When you hold her hands from seated position to have her stand up she lifts her head real high, chin up, to see who is watching her and collect her accolades. She mimics, she grasps. she rolls, she squeals, she yells, and she loves adventuring. We haven't moved onto solids yet... but soon. I'm still researching so maybe my anxiety will chill a bit on it.
I know, I know... they days are long and the years are short.
That's true all the time.
But now I have this little time-marker that is all day, every day and... I can't imagine my life without her. All I want is to quiet all the noise around our life and live it--human drama, money drama, FOB drama, disappointments, physical struggles. I want to quiet it all... and give her the most static-free, sweet song sounding existence possible.
She's awake.
Mini blog time.
More later--for now.
The good
<3