I feel incredibly alone.
Not in that familiar alone, in the unfamiliar one. A new one. A new alone.
Alone like I’m the only person who has been with me forever, alone like I am the only one who’s aware of my life’s nuances, ebbs, flows, traumas, and dreams... Alone like I am the only one who can actually listen to myself and understand and sympathize, empathize, therapize me.... and I’m a terrible at all of it.
I am a terrible, terrible friend to myself.
I’m a terrible listener. I ignore what my body asks for. I pretend my ears aren’t ringing and I sleep so I don’t have to think anymore. I’m terrible at reading my own body language, terrible at listening to my fight or flight. I’m terrible at allowing my thoughts finish uninterrupted.
I am lonely because I have no one but myself and my connection to myself sucks.
I want someone other than me to fit. I don’t want to look to myself for any thing. I want the answer to be outside of me, something or someone I can actually hold.
This is the second time this year i have had to tell myself... that no one... is coming... to save you, Mallory.
No one is coming to save you, Mallory.
You have to save yourself.
But I’m trying.
I’m trying to repair.
I’m trying to listen to the little tugs, the way my apprehensive breath falls.
I’m trying to be the big sister to myself that I never had.
And it is so uncomfortable.
It’s uncomfortable being sober, being all the feelings all the time.
I feel split.
Does anyone else feel like there’s more than one of themselves inside of them?
I feel like theres two of me in here.
One that always lets the other down. One that... makes the other one stay in shitty situations, dangerous ones. One that pours alcohol over both of them to cope. One that...when she gets an inch takes a mile and then lies about it cuz fuck it. One that constantly drags her feet and assumes the worst. She’s a bitch and a bully and a terrible friend to this... other beautiful creator self. This other self just wants love and touch and support and partnership and a home... to run away to. A home in someone else who’s nicer.
Who isn’t so terrible.
Mallory Kate is a blogger, artist, single mom and funny girl outta Nevada.
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