What To Do When You Have To Be Baby Free--a list for you and me

The first thing I do when I find myself obligated-ly (I made that word up) baby free... is take 4 ibuprofen. It's good for the swelling and back aches that come along with lugging around a 19.5lb, 30 inch long Nugget of Love around. The Doc prescribed 800mg motrin for postpartum recovery and in my adrenaline haze of ''holy shit baby here'' sleep deprivation rush, I never filled it.
It'd be nice to have, is all.
One pill to rule them all.
I recommend a light self-medication of the same--whether it be weed or anti-inflammatory meds, it helps in the release of bodily tension everywhere. Marijuana is especially helpful in the shifting of mental gears for some. For me? It just makes me anxietal as FUCK.

The next thing I like to do is start laundry.
In the name of multitask, wash them sheets, girl. Those baby-weaning night sweats are upon us and they ain't pretty. They're chilly and hot at the same time with cold, clammy toes and bad hair. Don't forget to collect baby socks from every corner of the house and be sure to look under couch and chair. Oh, and bib collection. The really gnarly ones that have blueberry and yogurt all  mashed into the fabric. And things that may or may not have touched poop are also very important to wash. Poop likes to hide. Poop has poop spores that float and attach... be thorough.
After the laundry is sorted and domination of the machines is expressed, order is claimed.... run the bath.
Run it hot.
Think of all those showers you've taken in the last week with your Nugget. She gets the warm water droplets dribbled on her, not  you. She gets the toys and the giggles. You... you just kind of crouch into a ball in the cold, half wet back of the shower awkwardly hovering like a security guard making sure things are safe and stay safe and safe.
Add bubbles to that bath. The ones you bought for you nephew but you secretly love.
Yeah, those ones.
Not those intense bath bomb things that have glitter and odor and feel like overkill. The only chemical reaction I want to have happen in the tub is cognitive calm brain trance release.
And bubbles.
Mr. Bubble baby bubbles, actually.
Grab that book you've been ''reading'' for over a year. The one that has nothing to do with parenting, self help, communication, child psychology, language and linguistics, things you can't afford, or cartoons. You know the one. Grab this book and open the blinds to let that winter sunshine in.
Once you're in, don't forget to look down and see beauty.
Remember how amazing the female body is and how our vaginas and lady organs are like re-built engines. Remember to thank your colon for finding it's parking spot again. Remember to thank your body for creating life. Massage your scars in every direction. Still. Always. Put your ears under the water and remember when we had two heartbeats, two separate pulses and one set of lungs.
After the bath, pluck those fucking chin hairs.
No one is going to tell you about them, so do your face homework.

Put on your big girl panties.
Don't forget your lashes/lipstick/whateverthefuckmakesyoufeelputtogetherandsexy
Change over the laundry.
Make a list of all the adulting you have to do:

• holiday card
• bank
• lawyer in the library
• grocery store
• pickup nephew from school
• cook dinners
• meal prep
• write blog
• doodle
• kickboxing
• work on proposals
• gas up JeepJeep
• paint

And attack the day.